Long Ago and Far Away
by mkim57
Summary: This is another AU. Harm and Mac Long Ago and Far Away
1. Chapter 1

Long Ago and Far Away

Chapter 1

Disclaimers: I do not own any of the JAG characters. I do not own any product or label mentioned for the purposes of telling this story. Any similarities to situations or persons living or dead are purely coincidental.

Spoilers: Any JAG episode is fair game; however this story is so AU you couldn't find it with the Starship Enterprise. (Smile)

A/N: This story has been tormenting me since Hail and Farewell, this story is 'out there,' and it is not meant to be anything other than a distraction for those of us who love Harm and Mac. Hopefully this will be a comfort to our poor and broken shipper hearts.

A/N: This chapter has been brushed up me and beta ed by Aerogirl, bless her heart.

A/N: This story is set before season one and after the ramp strike that killed Harm's RIO. Mac was a law student at Duke.

2345

Friday

September 24, 1991

Nags Head Bar and Grille

Nags Head, North Carolina

Lieutenant Harmon Rabb Jr. sat down at the bar; he had already had too much to drink. He should have gone back to his room but he couldn't stand the thought of closing himself off in a room alone. The thoughts in his head were too loud. He had driven down here alone; he wanted to get as far away from the Navy as he could get. He didn't want to see anyone he knew or anyone who knew about the ramp strike. The dinner crowd was gone and now it was only the bar that was open to the public.

'Thank God,' he thought. He just wanted to keep drinking till he didn't feel anything any more. He had faced a board of inquiry today, and had walked away nearly unscathed. He would never fly again, but he was alive and he still had a chance for a career in the Navy. Mace was dead and he was alive.

Mace had been happily married and had a child on the way. He had it all and now he was dead. He heard the members of the board say that it was an unavoidable accident, but he could not shake the feeling of responsibility. He had healed physically; he had gone to his grandmother's farm to rest and re-evaluate his life. He knew he wanted a career in the Navy but it would be as far away from a carrier as he could get.

He had decided on law school, which he would begin in January next year. Diane had come to see him while he was recuperating –he had been so glad to see her, but as usual he couldn't express it. He had been so ashamed of what had happened that he had pushed her away, literally. She'd seemed frightened of him after that. She kept looking at him as if she expected him to explode at any moment. He had been almost relieved when she left. Now he missed her and needed her more than he ever thought he would.

He didn't know what to call how he was feeling, except that he was lonely and emotionally exhausted. He felt as though he was on the edge of a precipice, and one shift in the wrong direction would cause him to drop off into oblivion. He wanted to lose himself in something or someone and hang on until this emptiness he felt passed.

Across the bar sat Sarah Mackenzie, first year law student and Marine. She had agreed to accompany her roommate here for a weekend away from school. Their first weeks had been nearly unbearable. Professor Juanita Ressler had made it her business to make Sarah Mackenzie's life a living hell. She was beginning to doubt any good thing she had ever believed about herself.

She felt lost among all the students there; she felt awkward and totally out of place. The Marine Corps had been her home, and she could take comfort in the discipline and structure of the life. Duke was another matter. She knew she was smart, she had plenty of physical courage, but the barbs from Professor Ressler had hit her in her most vulnerable spot. The professor had suggested that she try lap dancing. She had echoed everything her father and her soon-to-be ex-husband Chris had ever made her believe about herself.

To top it all off, she had fallen down the steps on the way out of the law library yesterday and sprained her ankle. The doctor at the infirmary told her she would be fine if she stayed off of it this weekend. Still, the mishap made her feel clumsier and more out of place than ever. She turned on the stool and propped up her ankle that was beginning to throb.

She was hanging on to her resolve by a thread. It would be so easy to have a drink; she could just say 'vodka on the rocks.' She could forget everything for a while and just sleep. Her new life had frightened her in a way she'd never expected. She was afraid to fail, afraid to accomplish anything less than a law degree. She saw no way back to the life she had before. Law school was the key to everything she needed to leave her past behind her.

She was startled by a sharp pain in her ankle. She had taken some pain medicine that the doctor had prescribed about two hours ago, but it didn't seem to be working. She didn't want to take anything unless she had to, but her ankle was really hurting. She couldn't go lie down because her roommate was in their room and she wasn't alone. Angela had met someone the first hour they were here and had left Mac to her own devices.

She had walked around entirely too much and now she was paying for it. She wouldn't have a drink now, but she was taking something for this stupid ankle – hell, she was going to take two of those damn pain pills. She picked up her glass of tonic water and lime and took them both in one swallow.

She should have been mad at Angela, but she didn't really blame her. The guy was really great looking and he did seem nice. Angela had been having nearly as hard of a time as she had been; at least she was having a good time tonight. Mac was lonely but she didn't want just anyone. Given her track record lately, men were completely out of the question. Still, she wanted someone, someone like her.

She thought for a moment, and asked herself: What would he have to be like? He would have to be handsome, but not too handsome, she smiled to herself. He would have to be military to understand her life and her goals. He should be ambitious and strong with just enough mystery to keep him interesting. She chuckled to herself: she didn't want much…did she?

Her head was starting to feel heavy and without a thought she put her head down on her folded arms. She fell asleep immediately.

Approximately one hour later…

Harm lost track of how many drinks he'd had. He didn't care – he was almost numb. The emptiness was still there, though, making him feel hollow, lost and dead inside. He was aware of a voice, a gruff male voice. Harm looked up to see where the voice had come from.

"Hey, you can't sleep here, lady. Go back to your room and sleep it off. Did you hear me?" The bartender was trying to shake someone awake across the bar. He stepped aside, and the young woman looked up, frightened – and Harm's heart nearly burst in his chest.

"Diane?" He said her name just loud enough for the bartender to hear.

"Do you know this lady?" He walked over to him. "She can't stay here if she is going to sleep like that."

Harm got up from the bar stool. He was slightly shaky on his feet but he did not stagger. He walked around to her side of the bar, staring in disbelief. Diane was supposed to be on a Med cruise halfway around the world.

Mac looked at the man walking toward her; he seemed to recognize her. She did not recognize him. She still felt very groggy from the medicine she had taken. She blinked and shook her head slightly, trying to clear it.

'Big mistake,' she thought as she nearly fell off of the stool. In an instant the man was at her side. He caught her by her arms and turned her around and looked into her face.

She tried to return his look, trying to figure out who this guy was. He didn't look like anyone she had ever met, and so she drew back from him. He had been just inches from her face. "My name is …"

"Diane." She was here; that was her voice. He pulled her off of the barstool and into his arms. He pressed her to him and kissed her deeply.

'What had he said?' Mac was in shock at first, but the passion of his kiss and the effects of her medicine left her with little defenses and wide open to her needs. This was crazy – she had barely seen him, but she didn't want him to let her go. She gave in to the kiss with everything she had. This wasn't just lust – this man needed her, she could feel it. She wished she were the woman he thought she was…whatever her name was.

He reluctantly pulled back from the kiss and felt her stroke her fingers across his cheek. "Please, I…" He just wanted to lose himself in her. She had never kissed him that way before. Diane had always kept a part of herself closed off from him, even when she kissed him. Now she seemed to be completely open to him. He felt the touch of her fingers all the way down his spine.

"…My name is Sarah, Sarah M…"

He would not let her finish. He hadn't even heard her. He took her mouth again as though he were trying to prove to her that she was who he thought she was.

The bartender had had enough of this scene. "Hey… knock it off or take it outside."

Mac broke the kiss and tried again to tell him. "My name is …"

"Stop it." Harm was getting cross now; he needed her, and he couldn't play games now. How could she be acting this way? She had to know how he felt, today of all days.

Mac tried to walk away from the bar, away from the man who had been yelling at her, yelling at them. Harm pulled her back into his arms. "Don't leave me."

Mac looked back at him, trying to stay steady on her feet and get a clear look at him. He kissed her again, causing the few rational thoughts she had left in her head to leave her. He kissed her hungrily as though he had been waiting for her forever.

God… this was insane and unbelievably wonderful. She didn't even know this man, and in her present state of mind she didn't even know if she would remember him tomorrow. What she did know was that his intensity and touch thrilled and soothed her soul at the same time. He backed her away from the bar and onto the dance floor.

He broke the kiss and said into her ear, "Dance with me, baby." His voice was deep and thick with desire. The possessiveness with which he held her was both frightening and completely mesmerizing.

Mac started to pull away and he drew her back to him. "Please."

She knew she should stop this, but the way he was making her feel was intoxicating – it drew her like nothing she had ever felt before. She felt nearly powerless to stop it. It was just a dance, and then she would finally convince him that she was Sarah Mackenzie and then everything would be clearer. She slipped her arms around his neck and let him pull her body up and into him.

Harm was breathing her in. "Ah…yeah, don't let go." The emptiness he felt clawing at his soul was beginning to leave him. He pressed her body to his until they seemed to be touching from head to toe.

"I won't," she whispered. Her voice sounded small even to her. His body was overpowering and yet soothing. His touch was urgent, pulling her in closer, starting low at her back and stopping at the base of her spine. She couldn't imagine at that moment why anyone would ever want to let him go. He felt perfect holding her in his arms. God… this was heaven, she needed this too, more than she had realized.

The bartender watched for a moment and then turned away. He bellowed, "We close up in 15 minutes."

A waitress stood just outside the bar, looking at the couple. To her mind they were very obviously in love. "Aw come on, Charlie, give them a break – weren't you ever in love?"

"In love? Ha!" Charlie was definitely not a romantic.

The waitress walked over to the jukebox and put in just enough money for one song. The waitress spied just the song for the couple on the dance floor. She knew love when she saw it. This was definitely a night for Percy Sledge, 'When a Man Loves a Woman.'

As their bodies moved to the music, Harm was doing what he had longed to do all day, losing himself completely. He could feel her heart beat against his chest, her breath on his neck as she tucked her head under his chin. Her body was soft and round in all the right places. He knew where they were heading and he hoped – God help him, he even prayed – that he would not end this night alone.

She drew away slightly. Without thinking of the affects her action might have on him, she placed a soft kiss on his neck just below his ear. He drew in his breath sharply and turned his head toward her, feeling as though he would drop to the floor if she did that again.

"Let's get out of here," he whispered low in her ear.

They started toward the door, and as they reached it the waitress called, "Oh, hey…you forgot this." She held up Mac's purse. They both turned to look, and Mac took it, mumbling a thank you as Harm pulled her out of the door.

He pulled her past the windows of the bar around the side of the building. He pressed her up against it and took her mouth in the neediest and sensuous kiss she had ever experienced. "Please, baby...stay with me. I need you tonight," he spoke into her ear. The raw emotion in his voice was nearly tearing her heart out.

She knew this was insane; she didn't even know this guy, but she also knew she was going with him where ever he was going tonight. She nodded slightly in the affirmative.

"Baby…" He pulled her further up into his arms and kissed her, turning her and walking back toward his hotel which was thankfully connected to the bar. They barely broke their kisses between the bar and his hotel room. They laughed when Harm didn't remember his room number, until Harm took his key from his pocket and they found the room quickly. They were inside in what seemed like seconds.

They had still been laughing when they got inside the door, but the laughter died when Harm lifted her into his embrace. His kisses in the bar and outside had been urgent and all-consuming; now they were tender and exploring. He was trying to find out what she liked, what made her make that sound at the back of her throat that made him want to devour her.

Mac's body did not feel like it was her own. She felt as though she were an instrument that he was playing and she was doing and feeling things she had never experienced before. She didn't care anymore who he thought she was – she was selfish enough tonight to take everything he was giving.

Their mutual release was both earth-shattering and tender. They lay back in each other's arms and feel asleep immediately, content.

0545

Saturday

September 25, 1991

Nags Head Inn

Nags Head, North Carolina

Mac sensed the light in the room and opened her eyes. Through her sleepy haze she was able to discern a broad and muscular back. She sighed, thinking about how much she loved to see the play of muscle on a strong man's back. She reached out to touch him and then she stopped when it occurred to her; she had no idea where she was, or who, for that matter, was lying in bed next to her.

'What have I done?' She couldn't believe she had been stupid enough to let herself do this. Maybe Juanita Ressler was right; maybe lap dancing was all she was good for.

She slid slowly out of bed, trying to be quiet, hoping to slip out unnoticed. She couldn't believe she had done this. She quietly slipped into her clothes and gingerly picked up her purse. She looked at the man lying on his side with his back to her. She could not face him – what if he didn't remember her either? She sure wasn't going to hang around for introductions after breakfast.

She slipped out the door.

Harm slept on until the phone beside his bed rang. He picked it up. "Hello?"

"Harm?" It was Diane.

"Where are you?" He wanted her to come back, so they could pick up where they left off last night.

"What do you mean, 'where am I?' I'm in the Med, silly – we just got into Naples."

"What?" Harm sat up quickly and turned to look at the other side of the bed. He had not dreamed last night, it had happened. He truly believed he had brought Diane to his hotel room last night. If it hadn't been her, then who the hell had it been? He talked with Diane for about 10 minutes, filling her in on the details of his board of inquiry yesterday. She was kind and encouraging but still seemed more disconnected from him than she was before his ramp strike.

He stood and walked to the window and looked out. There was no one around outside. It was still early Saturday morning. As he dressed he noticed something glittering on the blankets of his bed. He took a closer look and saw a necklace with a small red stone. He picked it up and held it in his open palm. He might have begun the evening very drunk, but he hadn't ended it that way. His mind and body would remember everything that happened, from the first time he kissed her until the last. He closed the small stone in his fist.

Whoever she had been, she had gotten him through one of the worst nights of his life. He shook his head slightly, looking at the necklace he held in his hand … and he didn't even know her name.

1000

Saturday

September 25, 1991

Interstate 40 south

Somewhere in North Carolina

Mac sat looking out the window of the bus, still shaming herself for what she had done. She had been driving herself crazy trying to remember the name or even the face of the man she'd woken up with this morning. She could remember bits and pieces of the night: she remembered dancing; she remembered warm and soul-stirring kisses, but nothing of any detail. She remembered his intensity and the way his body felt against hers, but the details of what he looked like she could not discern.

She was going back to school and she wasn't leaving until she had her law degree. She shook her head. Sometimes she thought she was her own worst enemy.

1830

Friday

May 20, 2005

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station

Mac stood in the hallway, trying to gather the courage to knock on the door. She drew a deep breath and knocked. Harm answered almost immediately.

"Hey." He smiled at her warmly. They had become closer in the last few weeks, closer than they had been in a very long time. Now, as in all the other times before, something would happen that would blow their relationship apart.

"Hi." She walked into his apartment. She tried to return his smile, but it felt awkward and uncomfortable.

Harm immediately sensed her discomfort. "What is it?"

She looked at him, not knowing where to begin.

Harm walked up to her and took her hand. "Talk to me, Mac." He led her to the couch and sat down beside her. In her other hand she held a manila envelope.

"Harm, I got some news today that I never expected."

Harm noticed that she had seemed distracted all afternoon. He assumed it had been about their separate assignments. She was going to JAG San Diego. He would be taking a post as Force Judge Advocate Naval Forces Europe in London.

"About San Diego?"

He was ready to assure her that nothing would change between them. True, they would be away from each other a lot in the next few years, but military families had been enduring this kind of separation for centuries. He knew they would be no exception. In fact, he believed they would become even closer. He wanted to finally say all the things he was feeling for her, feelings he had denied for so long. There would be no need to worry about chain of command or how this would affect their careers one way or the other. He placed his hand over their still clasped hands.

"Whatever it is, just tell me." He gave her a reassuring smile.

Mac swallowed hard and saw the patience and, she knew, love in his eyes. How would he feel when he found out about this? She couldn't stand it; she stood and walked over to the window to look out. She had to say this now or she never would.

"I was contacted by social services in Dare County, North Carolina today." She was silent for a moment.

"And?" He gave her a questioning look.

She walked over to him and handed him the envelope she had been carrying. He opened it. It held a case file with a picture of a girl that looked to be about 13 or 14 years old. She was a beautiful girl. She had dark hair, a fair complexion and the most unusual and striking eyes. They seemed to be a golden and green color, almost feline.

Harm looked up at her, still unable to understand what she was trying to say. "What does she have to do with you?"

"She's my daughter, Harm." Mac braced herself and waited for the recriminations. This would hurt him; she knew he wanted a future with her and their children. Her health had taken care of that possibility, but she believed they would at the very least be together, as they should have been long ago.

Harm blanched. "What?"

She was going to lose him, she just knew it. "She's mine, Harm. I never thought I would see her again. I was alone; I had no one and nothing to offer her back then. I was in law school, and barely hanging on to my sobriety by a thread…I thought the best thing for her would be to give her to a family that would take good care of her. I wanted her to have two normal parents, go to Girl Scouts, and have birthday parties. All the things I never had."

"Why are they contacting you now?" He revealed nothing in his expression.

Mac looked at him. She saw the walls going up on those beautiful and expressive eyes. It was happening again.

"It turns out she lived with her adoptive grandmother. Her adoptive mother died when she was only eight years old. Her father deserted her not long after; he signed over parental rights to his wife's mother. Now she is dead too."

Harm looked away from her; this was almost too much to take in. Mac had a daughter. "What are you going to do?"

"She has no one, Harm. I'm going to North Carolina to try and gain custody of her; I don't know what I will do in the long run. I just know she is my daughter and she needs me. I don't even know if I will be able to remain in the Corps. I just know I have to do this. "

Harm was silent, still trying to absorb it all. Did this mean there was no chance for them now? "Will you be contacting her father?"

Mac's face suddenly burned with shame. "No."

"Why not?" This didn't seem fair, even if this man could come between them. He knew that if he were the father, he would want to know.

Mac spoke almost inaudibly. "Because I don't know his name."

"Go on." He knew this was going to hurt to hear, but if they were going to get anywhere in this relationship he had to give her a chance to explain. There would be no more walking away without a fight.

"I know how this must sound, but I swear to you, even in the days when I was drinking, I never woke up with anyone I didn't know."

"What happened?"

She turned her back and walked to the window again. She began to tell him about her trip to Nags Head: the terrible time she was having at school, her sprained ankle and the medicine that she took too much of. She told him about the man who thought she was someone else, about how much he seemed to need her and how lonely she had been.

"I was so ashamed of myself the next morning that I slipped away before he woke up. I couldn't bear to face him, when I couldn't even remember his name."

She turned around to look at him. He was holding the case file and looking intently at the picture. The girl had been born on the 25th of May 1992. His breath caught when he saw himself in her beautiful smile.

"Harm?"

He looked up at her with tears welling in his eyes. He set the file down and walked over to her. He pulled her into his embrace, unable to believe the twist of fate. That night had haunted him for years. He understood that it had not been Diane he was with; her phone call the next morning had taken care of that. He just thought that in his despair and given the number of drinks he had that night that he had made himself believe it had been her.

He pulled back from her for a moment and kissed her forehead. He could not speak. He didn't even know where he would begin, and then he remembered something. He stepped back and took her hand, leading her to his desk and opening the top drawer. He reached to the back and removed a small black velvet box.

She gave him a questioning look. She didn't understand his reaction, but she knew that whatever happened, she hadn't lost him. When he opened it, what she saw took her breath away. It was her necklace; it was the birthstone necklace that her grandmother had given her on her 14th birthday. She had been heartbroken that she had lost it.

"My necklace…I never thought I'd ever see it again…" She looked at Harm and understood now what he was trying to say. It had been him that night.

"It was you?"

He nodded the affirmative.

She was reeling from the shock and stepped back from him to try and steady herself. He would not let her step away. He gathered her in close to him and spoke into her ear urgently, "Don't, please don't walk away from this."

Mac remembered suddenly his words to her that night long ago. "Don't leave me."

She leaned back and looked into his eyes. "I won't – I won't ever leave you again."

Harm pulled her back into his embrace, holding her there, kissing her hair. He understood now why he had never been able to let go of her, why he couldn't stand to see her with someone else. He had never understood the strength of their connection until now. She was already his and they would be a family.

It had begun long ago and far away.

TBC

A/N: Yeah…I know…I told you it was way out there. I just wanted to bring to fruition a baby deal that we have been hearing about for six years. Checkmate dpb!


	2. Chapter 2

Long Ago and Far Away

Chapter 2

Disclaimers: I don't own any of the JAG characters. I don't own any product or label mentioned for the purposes of telling this story. Any similarities to situations or persons living or dead are purely coincidental.

Spoilers: All spoilers posted about all the episodes until the end of season 10 are fair game. Any JAG episode may be 'loosely' referred to.

A/N: Remember this is an AU story. It is not meant to project anything but a good Harm and Mac story.

A/N: Thanks to everyone who posted a review. They really blew me away. I thought you guys would laugh me off the board. LOL

A/N: Many thanks to Aerogirl for her beta reading and encouragement.

1930

Friday

May 20, 2005

Harm's apartment

North of Union Station

Harm sat in the corner of his couch with Mac sitting beside him, her feet tucked beneath her. There had not been a lot of conversation so far; it was more a touch or a caress and finally seeing each other with their 'masks' off. Harm looked into her eyes, stroked her hair, her cheek, her arms as though he were trying to reclaim something that had been stolen from him. He had been careful in the last weeks not to move too fast, but now with what he had just learned he could not keep his hands off of her. He wondered if he would ever be able to again.

"When do you go to North Carolina?" Harm had taken 30 days of leave to close up his apartment and to visit his mother in California before he left for London. He wanted to go to North Carolina with Mac. He had to see his daughter.

"Monday – I'm on leave for a week then I go to San Diego. I know I'm probably going to need more time. I just want to see her and then plan from there."

"Does the general know anything about this?"

"No… just that I need some personal time. I can't even begin to think about how he'll view this situation." She shook her head slightly and looked up at him. "I just know I can't give her up again. I won't. I don't care what it costs me."

"You won't be in this alone, Mac. Let me come with you." His hand had been trailing up and down her arm, and then he stopped to pick up her hand and kiss her palm.

Mac leaned in closer and kissed his cheek and then his lips softly. "Okay."

She remembered all the times she had tried to understand why she hadn't been able to give up on them completely. Even when she had said 'never,' she never really had.

"What is it?" Harm noticed her that her countenance darkened.

"Nothing… I was just remembering one of the many times I pushed you away."

She didn't even want to say the word Paraguay again. Everything had spun completely out of control from that time on. All the joy left her life when she finally understood that Harm had truly left JAG. She had heard Harm and Catherine Gale talking to Webb about Harm flying for the Company. She knew then she could lose him forever.

He smiled and pushed her hair back from her face. "You weren't the only one, Mac."

He kissed her again, a soft and chaste kiss. He wanted to know everything, everything she could tell him about their daughter. 'Our daughter,' he thought. He tipped her chin up so that she could look him in the eye. "Can you tell me about when she was born?"

The look on his face was so expectant and sweet that Mac couldn't have resisted if her life had depended on it. It was a painful memory, one she seldom let her mind dwell on. She tried to steel herself so that she could continue. She blew out a breath and whispered, "Okay."

"I know it can't be easy, but if you can, I really need to hear it."

Harm had given up on the idea of his ever having children. Mac's health had made it a near impossibility. He wouldn't even think about having children with anyone else.

Mac began…

"I didn't know I was pregnant until I was nearly five months along. I know it sounds stupid. You'd think a grown woman would know, but I didn't. I have never been…" She suddenly felt embarrassed speaking of something so intimate. "I mean I never really knew when..." She blushed pink.

"Its okay, Mac, I know what you mean." He gave her a reassuring smile.

"I kept my pregnancy hidden after I found out, though I think a few people suspected near the end of the semester. I was tall and slim and I really didn't have trouble hiding it until the last month. I wasn't due until after the end of the semester. I decided to go back to Dare County and have the baby there." She stopped speaking for a moment.

"I think I had this crazy hope that I would see him…you. That recognition would dawn on us both and we'd live happily ever after. I would never have admitted it to anyone but it was true."

She looked at him sadly. "I wasn't ready to be anyone's mother then, Harm. I really wasn't. I figured the only right thing I could do was to have this child. Then someone who couldn't have children could have her. I also thought that if I never had children, if I never found someone to love me that I would always know she was out there somewhere and she came from me."

Harm listened and thought, 'and from me.'

"I made arrangements with an adoption agency there in Dare County. They were very helpful, and the adoptive couple was thrilled. I had only met them once but the screening process was very thorough and I was assured that she was going to a good home."

"Did you have someone with you when she was born?" Harms look of concern told her that he would have been there.

She looked at him with a lump forming in her throat. "No."

She could still see the labor and delivery rooms in her mind's eye. Everything seemed to be white or gray, very clinical and antiseptic. She told Harm the rest of the story; it had been very hard. The nurses had only said what was necessary when they spoke to her. As though being nice to her would keep her from giving the baby up. She had even overheard two of the nurses talking about her, about some stupid college girl getting knocked up and trying to keep it from dear old mom and dad.

Harm felt his heart squeeze at the thought of her facing what she had to alone. He unconsciously began stroking her back.

"I thought I had to harden my heart, so I could let her go." Her chin trembled with emotion.

"I thought I could do that until I saw her. Harm, she was such a beautiful baby. She was so perfect, and when I looked into her little face, she smiled at me. It was almost as though she was telling me I had done the right thing. I know she didn't really see me, but in that moment it gave me the courage to do what I had to." Harm closed both of his arms around her.

"You know, even though I was hiding her from everyone, the knowledge that she was with me most of that first year of school helped me get through it." She looked away from Harm. "I used to talk to her sometimes, and when I did it seemed as though she would answer me by moving around, just letting me know she was there."

She turned away slightly and covered her mouth, trying to keep from crying. Harm pulled her closer to him.

"I'm so sorry, Mac. I wish I had known." He caressed her back and shoulders, trying to will away any pain she was feeling, and then his gaze dropped to her stomach. He had to reach out and touch her there. He had to touch the place where she had carried their baby.

Mac's eyes followed his as he reverently placed his hand on her stomach and flattened his palm.

"Harm." She had never loved him more than she did at that moment. Her feeling went from the deepest love to the most intense desire. She felt his touch to her very core.

He looked up at her and slid his hand higher on her stomach to her waist, pulling her in against him. He looked into her eyes and then at her lips. It had been so long since he'd really kissed her though he had dreamt of it often enough. He would remember that night on the admiral's porch the rest of his life. When he thought about it later, he had reasoned that he had not been able to let her go that night because her kiss was so new to him and yet so familiar. He knew now why he had felt that way.

She could not help it – she had to kiss him. She felt as though she had waited for this moment for years and in fact she had. She couldn't wait for him to come to her. As she kissed him she slipped her hand up from his waist to his chest, feeling his heartbeat quicken under her hand. Their lips tentatively explored taste and texture, leaving them both wanting more.

Harm closed his arms around her and pulled her into his lap so that she was astride him. Harm leaned back and Mac kissed him deeply, eliciting a low growl from his chest. Her hair fell around his face and he felt as though he were drowning in her. Her touch had become electric, her flavor nearly making him lose all semblance of control, and he did not want to mess this up. He was –in- her life now and he never wanted that to change so he broke the kiss.

"Mac…I…maybe we should slow down. I don't want to mess this up." He looked into her eyes and saw that they were dark with desire.

Mac rested her forehead against his. "You're not messing anything up. I need you and I love you and I –know- you love me." She kissed him again, unable to get enough of the feel of his mouth on hers.

She broke the kiss after a long moment and her words poured out like a torrent.

"I remember what you made me feel that night. I couldn't ever forget it. I loved the way you held nothing back. You held me as though I belonged to you. I never felt anything so intoxicatingly erotic in my life."

Her eyes bored into his and she kissed him again hungrily. "I want it back – I want you back."

Harm froze for a split second, then pulled her body flush with his and kissed her deeply. If the intensity of Mac's emotions were making her feel as if she were going to fly apart then he would love her and give her her anchor. His kisses were at once rough and tender. The taste and the feel of her under his hands made his mouth water. He needed her; he had always needed her, and he had never forgotten either. Yes, he loved her; his heart was bursting with it. He dragged his lips from hers only long enough to lift her body from his to stand up. He lifted her again and she wrapped her body sensuously around him. She kissed him with abandon and a desire that made her body visibly tremble.

"Baby, if we don't stop this…we're not going to make it to the…" He had meant to say bedroom but Mac took his mouth before he could finish.

They made love nearly all night, each one loving away a wrong done by the other until there was no more hurt to remember, leaving the past far away and their future together ahead of them. They had fit the last piece of the puzzle between them.

Just as they both drifted off to sleep, Harm said aloud, "I do, you know."

Mac turned slightly to look at him through half-closed eyes. "What?"

"You were right. I love you. I think I always have."

She turned to fully face him and tucked herself under his arm, finally feeling that she had come home – home to a place she had never thought she would be again. He closed his arms around her and they both fell into a peaceful sleep.

0900

Saturday

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station

Harm sat at his dining room table while Mac refilled their coffee cups. He was looking over the file that Mac had brought to him yesterday. Her name was Cara Gabrielle Miller. She had lived with her adoptive maternal grandmother, Alice Johnston. Harm smiled at a picture of a tall and lanky little girl standing next to an older woman. The woman was short and matronly. Cara looked to be about ten years old. She was already as tall as the woman who had to be her adoptive grandmother. She beamed a smile as she draped an arm around Cara. Cara had clearly been loved. He was relieved.

He smiled when he read the name of the school she attended. First Flight Middle School. He turned the file, placing his thumb to mark the spot.

"Did you see this?" He held it up for Mac to see.

Mac walked toward him and nodded. "I've been thinking about that all morning." She came and stood next to him, resting her arm around his broad shoulders. "Read on."

He turned the page and saw a copy of a newspaper clipping with a picture of Cara standing behind a wooden podium, looking down at her written notes. The caption on the copy read: 'Cara Miller, People to People Student Ambassador, explains the program that promotes meaningful interaction between young people of different cultures.' Harm looked up at her, raising his eyebrows in pleasant surprise.

"I googled People to People and found that she was participating in something called the 'People to People World Leadership Forum.' She went to London last year, Harm."

"I've never heard of it." Harm brow furrowed but he couldn't keep from smiling at the girl who stood behind the podium in the picture. She was reed-thin and tall. Standing behind the podium made her look that much thinner.

"It was founded by President Eisenhower in 1956."

"Did you find that out on Google too?"

"Yes." She grinned sheepishly. "Something else too that I think you might be proud of."

"What?" He looked up at her.

"I guess she really raised a ruckus when they tried to place her in foster care without her CASA representative. It seems she remembered her from when her grandmother had adopted her officially. She demanded to see her, and told Ms Prentiss that she had a mother and that she wasn't going anywhere until she knew for sure that I didn't want her."

Mac was still smiling but her eyes were glazed with tears. "Pretty tough, isn't she?"

"Yeah…like someone else I know." He teased and reached for her hand. "I can't wait to see her." He wanted this child to know him, to know he wanted to be her father.

Mac exhaled, trying to release all the tension she was beginning to feel build up. "I hope you understand something. If you go and she sees you she may expect to stay in your life…"

"Wait a minute – do you think I just want to go down there and look and then walk away? I told you a year ago I was tired of looking in on your life and I meant it. It's going to be –our- life from on." Harm was quiet for a moment. "You're not regretting last night, are you?"

She gave his hand a squeeze and softly said, "No."

His expression was one of relief. He had been afraid she wouldn't want to let him be a part of their lives. That she would change her mind when morning came. He could see that she hadn't. He leaned forward to kiss her. "Okay."

1530

Monday

May 23 2005

Dare County Justice Center

Manteo, North Carolina

Mac had nearly every emotion running through her heart and mind at once. She had hidden away the dream of ever seeing this child again. She'd never thought she would ever see this dream come to fruition. She was frightened and excited and to be walking up these steps to see her daughter with father of her child… Harm. It was still too wonderful to believe.

They were to meet first with her CASA representative. Her name was Sheila Prentiss. She hoped that what had happened to Cara hadn't hardened her heart as Mac's had been when she lived with her parents. Losing everyone close to you could make you that way, she knew. The way she'd lost her parents was different, but in many ways it was the same. They had both had to fend for themselves at a young age. She slowed her pace, and Harm looked to see what the matter was.

"What is it, Mac?" He slipped his hand into hers.

"Harm, what if she hates me?" Mac didn't think she could handle her rejection after everything else that had happened.

"Mac, she asked to see you. If she resents anyone it will be me. She probably thinks I deserted you both." Harm was showing some apprehension of his own.

Mac hadn't even been thinking about that. This was all too much; she suddenly wanted to run away somewhere, anywhere to escape from this situation.

Harm seemed to read her mind and gave her hand a tug. "Come on, Mac, we can do this. She needs us."

She gave him a broken smile. "I know… I'm being silly. Last minute panic, I think."

Harm and Mac walked inside the building and were directed to a conference room on the other side of the building. They neared the designated room and as they did, they both slowed their pace. They stopped and looked at each other, trying to prepare themselves for what was to come.

Harm looked up over Mac's head. He could a young girl pacing back and forth through the glass door framed in wood. He knew immediately that this was their Cara. She was nearly as tall as Mac. She was lithe and willowy and to him she was so much like Mac. She was fairer than she, somewhere between his skin tone and Mac's. She had matured a bit more since her last picture had been taken. She appeared to be a poised, lovely young girl. She wore a determined and thoughtful look, the look of someone working out a conversation in her head.

Mac noticed the soft look on his face and she turned to see her daughter for the first time in thirteen years. She literally felt a pain in her heart and she placed her hand on her chest.

"Oh, Harm, it's her." She looked back at him and then turned to look at Cara.

"She's like you, Mac." He stood closer behind her as they watched in wonder at what a beautiful child had come from that night long ago. He placed his hands on each of her arms, stroking them lightly.

They both noticed someone come into the room through a door on the opposite side of the room. Cara looked at the woman and folded her arms across her chest, her chin up just slightly. The woman gave her an indulgent smile and came to stand next to her. As she was speaking to her they saw Cara's expression change from one of stubbornness to one that showed the same fear and apprehension they felt.

The woman continued to speak with the girl until finally Cara's face broke into a smile. Mac saw Harm in that smile and it nearly took her breath away.

"Oh God, Harm, look at that. It's you." She turned to look at him and he could only nod his agreement.

He turned away to compose himself. He didn't want to scare her and you never really knew with girls that age. Mattie had been a good prerequisite to this situation, just another reason to be grateful to his ward.

Harm turned back around and gently took Mac by her elbow. "Let's go meet our daughter."

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Long Ago and Far Away

Chapter 3

Disclaimers: I don't own any of the JAG characters. I don't own any product or label mentioned for the purposes of telling this story. Any similarities to situations or persons living or dead are purely coincidental.

Spoilers: Any JAG episode or spoiler posted through season 10 is fair game.

A/N: Remember folks…this is AU. Mattie is alive and well and never crashed.

A/N: As always many thanks to Aerogirl for her excellent beta reading skills and input.

1010

Monday

May 23rd

Dare County Justice Center

Manteo, North Carolina

Cara looked at her CASA representative and long time mentor Sheila Prentiss.

"I'm scared." She was showing the apprehension Harm and Mac had seen moments earlier.

"I know, Cara. They probably are too." She tried to reassure her.

Cara looked toward the door and saw Harm and Mac walking toward it. Ms. Prentiss followed her gaze.

"I need to speak with them for just a few moments before they meet you."

"Will you be here?" She looked frightened.

"Of course I will, if you want me to." She stood and then looked back at her. "Just remember to give them a chance; this has to be hard for them too."

Cara nodded her acquiescence.

Ms. Prentiss stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind her.

"You must be Sarah Mackenzie." She offered her hand.

"Yes, I am." She took her hand and shook it. She looked over her shoulder "This is Harmon Rabb Jr."

"I'm her father," Harm heard himself saying. He hadn't meant to say anything but he could not keep the statement in. He was here to see his daughter and he was going to be a part of this discussion. Not an outsider.

Ms. Prentiss looked at him in surprise. "Excuse me?"

Mac spoke up. "He is her father, Ms. Prentiss."

The details were not relevant as far as Mac was concerned; it was important that Ms. Prentiss understand that Harm was to be included in everything from now on. She felt the tension build up suddenly and now it was her turn to be calm and reassuring.

"Step into my office, please." She walked to the door just a few steps away.

Harm and Mac followed, looking back through the other door at Cara. She looked back warily.

While Harm and Mac spoke to Ms. Prentiss, Cara tried to prepare herself for meeting her mother. She was excited but feeling a little guilty about meeting her. She felt bad about calling anyone 'Mom' other than the only person she had ever thought of as her mother. She wasn't sure she ever could. Her Mam-Ma Johnston had encouraged her to find her birth mother when she grew up. She'd just thought this would all happen under different circumstances, a long time from now.

It had been difficult lately to remember her mother's face, something that had plagued her a great deal. The woman she saw through the doorway had to be her biological mother. She looked at her reflection in the window caused by the overhead lights in the room. She thought she might look a bit like her. What she couldn't figure out was who the man was. Was he her husband? What if he didn't like her, or want his wife to have other children?

She heaved a sigh and began to pace back and forth, waiting.

Harm and Mac sat in front of Ms. Prentiss's desk. She had just heard a condensed version of their story. She folded her hands and placed them on the desk in front of her. The biggest question was how Cara would react to all of this. She was a great kid but she had borne a lot of blows in her young life: her adoptive mother's death; her adoptive father's grief and finally his inability to cope with raising her; then the latest blow, her grandmother's death.

"On the surface this looks like a miracle." She gave them a thoughtful smile. "However, I think we should be very cautious with Cara. I have known her since she was nine years old. She is a wonderful and resilient child, but I don't think that should be taken for granted." She looked at Harm and Mac, who appeared to be in agreement with her.

"We don't want to do anything that would add to what she's already going through, but I don't intend to leave today without her knowing that I want to be her mother." She looked at Harm and reached for his hand. "That we want to be her parents."

The children's advocate nodded and again addressed them both. "The best thing may be for her to be with you both. However, Mr. Rabb, you will need to verify your paternity as soon as possible. I don't want you to misunderstand. It is not that I don't believe you, but the welfare of a child is at stake here. We need to be sure her parentage is documented if we want a smooth transition into another life for her. This also has to be what Cara wants. She has options here too."

Harm was quiet as he considered what Ms. Prentiss had said. He remembered Mattie and her reaction to any kind of pressure to behave one way or the other emotionally to a situation. He wouldn't make that mistake today; they had too much to lose.

Mac was willing to do whatever it took put Cara at ease while making her understand how important this was to them all. She looked at Harm and he returned her look. They both nodded in silent agreement with Ms. Prentiss.

"What do you suggest?" Mac looked back at Ms. Prentiss, questioning.

"Will you be able to stay in the area for a few days?"

Mac looked at Harm. "Yes, we will both be here at least a week. I have to fly to San Diego Saturday."

"You said when we spoke earlier that you would be transferring to the west coast – is that not right?"

"Yes, but a lot depends on Cara. My first priority is being sure that she feels that she can depend on me. It is important too that whatever changes have to made will preserve my ability to take care of her."

Harm frowned.

Mac looked at him. "I should say our ability to take care of her."

"Are you planning to marry?" Ms. Prentiss asked as a matter of fact.

They both answered "yes" without even looking at each other, though they had never discussed it. They both smiled, thinking that they were finally on the same wavelength after everything they had been through.

Ms. Prentiss was thoughtful. "Tell me something. Would you be marrying if you had not found out about Cara?"

Harm spoke up without hesitation. "Speaking for myself, yes, we would have, eventually. Although we might have had to wait another year, our duty stations being on opposite sides of the world now."

"What do you intend to do about that, as it affects Cara? It is bound to be another adjustment for her."

"I think that will be up to Cara. We will just have to talk honestly about it. If I know teenagers, they know when they are being told half of the story, right away."

Mac looked at him and smiled, remembering Mattie's candor when she spoke with her last fall about Harm. "I agree."

"What experience do you have with teenagers, Mr. Rabb?"

"I had the guardianship of a 14-year-old girl for over a year. The experience was…enlightening."

"Where is she now?"

"She has returned to her father. We still stay in touch, though. She is a great kid."

"I will need the name of the caseworker who handled this guardianship and all of your other information, Mr. Rabb."

Harm agreed and they finished the conversation. They had agreed to stay in the area and spend some one on one time with Cara to give her chance to get to know them. They also needed the time so that Harm's paternity tests could confirm his parentage.

The next challenge was Cara herself.

Harm and Mac followed Ms. Prentiss into the room. Harm had been going over all his 'lessons learned' from Mattie in his mind. He had learned what it meant to show affection without overdoing it. He had learned her 'code.' For all of her bluntness, she could sometimes be indirect in her expression of what was going on in her head.

Mac still felt calm and determined. She knew that Cara needed to see someone who knew her own mind and wasn't afraid to step up and tell her the truth. They filed into the room, Harm coming in last. Cara stood and looked at them all, focusing mostly on Mac.

Cara extended her hand to shake Mac's. "Hello, I'm Cara."

Mac smiled and gave her her hand. "Hello." She couldn't say 'I'm your mom.' She didn't know why. Thinking it would be too much to ask right now, she said. "You can call me Sarah, if you like. My friends call me Mac."

Cara brightened; she didn't feel as uncomfortable as she thought she would. 'Mac' had put her at ease. She seemed nice. "Okay…Mac."

Mac heaved an inward sigh of relief. At least she wanted to be her friend. She was willing to start with that. She saw her looking at Harm questioningly.

Ms. Prentiss had followed her gaze. "This is Harmon Rabb Jr. They are to be married soon."

Harm looked at Ms. Prentiss quickly and then at Cara. She suddenly looked afraid; he had also had wanted to put her at ease. What Ms. Prentiss said was true; he had wanted to wait, though. He offered her his hand. "Harm…my friends call me Harm,"

She relaxed a bit and said his name more softly. "Harm." He knew she wasn't sure about him.

"Shall we sit down?" Ms. Prentiss sat down at long wooden conference table. Harm and Mac sat next to each other. Ms. Prentiss sat on the end and Cara sat across from them.

There was an awkward silence. Then the children's advocate decided to get things started. There was a lot to be said, and for Cara's sake they needed to begin…now.

"Do you have any questions, Cara?"

"Yes, I do."

She folded her hands on the table and scooted forward in her seat. She looked at Mac, unable to keep from studying her, looking for herself in her face. She had felt so out of place at times. Her frame was so long and lanky beside her petite grandmother and she also stood at least a head taller than most of her friends at school.

"Why did you give me up for adoption?"

"I was young, barely able to take care of myself, and I wasn't ready to be a mother."

"You were in law school." When Cara had been told by her grandmother that Mac had been a law student at Duke, she thought she had just been an inconvenience to her so she had been given away. "Your family must have had money." Cara didn't know it would sound so mean when she said it out loud.

"I got into law school due to my service in the military. I'm a Marine." She watched Cara's face, trying to gauge her reaction.

"I was trying to make a better life for myself."

Mac looked at her hands. She had feared that Cara would resent her. There was nothing to do but plunge forward. She would understand… or not.

"The Marines gave me the only real home I had ever had. It gave my life a purpose and direction that I never had growing up. I wanted to continue in the service – I really had no where else to go." She leaned back in her seat and looked at Cara directly. "If I had failed at law school I was terrified I would end up back in the trailer park I grew up in. I didn't want that for myself, or you." There, she had said it.

"What about my father?"

Harm spoke then, trying to take some of the burden from Mac. She had spoken a painful truth. He wanted to take his part of this from her shoulders. "I didn't know."

She drew her brows down. Mac reached for his hand and Harm took it.

This was all too confusing for Cara. "I don't understand." Her brow still knitting, she sat back in her seat.

"He would never have walked away had he known."

"Why didn't you tell him?" Her tone was almost accusatory.

"I didn't know that about him then."

"So I was this big mistake?"

Harm and Mac both said at once. "No."

It came out more forcefully than either had intended. Cara seemed a lifeline to them both now. They couldn't allow her to think that about herself.

"Please try and understand – we were both different people then. We were both young and troubled and didn't know each other the way we do now." Harm placed his arm around the back of Mac's chair.

Mac looked at Harm and then at Cara. "We became better friends over the years. Then we came to love each other, and we hope you will become a part of our family and eventually love us too."

There was no need to tell her the way they had first found each other. The important thing was that they had found each other again and by some miracle had found her too.

Harm looked at Mac as she spoke and could not help but admire the courage it took to speak her heart this way. He knew Mac, he knew how difficult it was to bare her soul to anyone. Saying what she had to Cara in front of Ms. Prentiss had been a testament to him about how much this all meant to her.

Ms. Prentiss had been studying them both. She hadn't been sure how to feel in the beginning. She could see now that these were two people who not only loved each other but had admiration and respect for each other too. It seemed to be a good beginning.

"Cara, if you are willing–" She looked at the couple waiting with bated breath. "–Harm and Mac would like to stay in the area for the next couple of days and allow you to get to know them better. Would that be all right with you?"

Ms. Prentiss watched the girl for any sign of distress. She was definitely overwhelmed, but she seemed to be handling everything well so far.

Cara looked from Harm to Mac and then at Ms. Prentiss. "Okay."

That evening they began over a simple dinner what they hoped would be a journey of a lifetime with their daughter.

1750

Wednesday

May 25th

Cape Hatteras Light

Outer Banks of North Carolina

Cara had accompanied Harm and Mac to Hatteras Island. They had spent nearly every day together, gradually increasing their time together. Today they had picked her up at 0700 and had been able to take her on the ferry to the island for a day trip. She stood between them and looked back at the lighthouse as they made their way back to Nags Head. The black and white 'barbershop pole' against the blue of the sky and the blue green of the ocean made a breathtaking picture.

"I love that lighthouse. I've always wanted to come out here." She hadn't been able to. Her grandmother had a great fear of water; however wonderful she was, she and small boats on the water did not mix.

"Grandma couldn't come out here. She was afraid of the ocean. I love it." She looked at Harm and smiled. "Oh, look!"

A gray ship with white numerals written on the hull seemed to be cutting through the glittering sea. It looked to be a destroyer, from what Harm could see.

"Were you ever on ships like that?" She looked up at Harm curiously.

"Yes, at one time or another." Harm leaned on the railing and folded his arms across his chest. The ocean breeze was ruffling his shirt and hair. He squinted, following the ship with his eyes.

She looked at Mac. "You too?"

"Yes."

Cara thought of all the times she had looked out to sea from the beach at Kill Devil Hills and had seen a ship. Maybe one of them had been on it. She was suddenly fascinated with that possibility.

"I used to watch them all the time from the beach. I wonder if I saw you and didn't even know."

Mac smiled indulgently. "You may have."

It had been a great few days. They had become more at ease with each other. They had a meeting with Ms. Prentiss tomorrow and would discuss where they would go from here. Neither Harm nor Mac had wanted to pressure Cara. She seemed happy when she was with them and for now that was enough.

It had taken their first outing to break the ice, and then she had gradually become more comfortable with them. She had kept her physical distance, though, always aware of how close she stood to either of them. She didn't seem ready for them to become too familiar with her.

0900

Thursday

May 26th

Dare County Justice Center

Manteo, North Carolina

Cara sat on a chair between Harm and Mac. Ms. Prentiss had given Harm the results to paternity tests he already knew the answers to. He was Cara's father. His case worker in Mattie's guardianship had spoken of him in glowing terms. He had met Ms. Prentiss's approval anyway. Now to see how his daughter felt about him.

Ms. Prentiss looked up from her case file at Cara. "Have you enjoyed your week?"

"Yeah, it's been pretty fun. We went to Hatteras Island yesterday."

"Yes, I know." Harm and Mac had asked permission to take her to the island.

"I suppose I'll just get to the point, Cara. Are you feeling better about having a permanent relationship with your biological parents?"

Cara looked at each of them. She tentatively reached for her mother's hand first and then for her father's hand.

"Yes, I want to keep them." She gave her a look of determination that told her she had truly made up her own mind.

Mac smiled, a tear rolling down her cheek and Harm swallowed hard to keep down the lump forming in his throat. He prayed the child advocate would not ask him anything just now.

1425

Friday

June 3rd

Ronald Reagan International Airport.

Mac rose from her seat on the plane. She had finally gotten back to Washington, back to her family. 'Back to her family'… God, how she loved the sound of that. She had resigned her commission. It had been almost too easy to decide. She had had a successful career, one that she intended to resume at some point, but not before she got to know her daughter. Yes, she would have no doubt climbed higher in her career if she had gone to San Diego, but she would have compromised her newborn relationship with her daughter. This was about Cara now.

Harm's mother had come as soon as they informed her about her granddaughter. She had been thrilled that Harm had finally settled down with Mac and that she finally had a grandchild. She had helped Harm settle Cara temporarily, and also helped get things ready to go to London. Mac didn't know what she would have done without her, though as yet she had never met her.

They would accompany Harm to London and decide as they went what choices they would make career-wise. They just needed to be together now. Mac believed that they would be able to work out everything else in time. They both just wanted Cara in their lives and never to lose each other again. Anything else they would take as it came.

She walked down the concourse leading to the main lobby of the airport, searching for Harm and Cara. She spotted Harm right away, standing on the other side of the security barriers with all the other people meeting passengers at the airport… Cara stood in front of him and he had his hands on her shoulders. She saw him say something into her ear and point toward her. Identical smiles beamed in her direction and around Cara's neck glistened the red stone of the necklace that Mac had lost so long ago.

Long ago and far away.

FIN


End file.
